Testing the Water
by lareinaSelena
Summary: Set postferry arc, slightly AU. Meredith drowned in Elliot Bay. What if that left her with more issues than the show let us see. Can Derek help her? MD pairing, rated T for some dark themes.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Ok, this is my first GA fic. It starts after the ferry arc, and goes AU from there. A lot of people blame the ferry arc for the problems of the third season, but I think it was fine. It was what came after that screwed everything up, and that's what I tried to fix. This is a Mer/Der story, and they're the main players. Some other characters show up, but only briefly. Many, many thanks go to my wonderful betas, samsolace and AriaAdagio. Without them, this story wouldn't have been nearly as good. Throws virtual hugs and kisses at betas Thanks, guys! Go read their stories, if you haven't already. They're awesome! Actually, it was reading Aria's "Standing on Solid Ground" that inspired me to write this story! Ok, I think I've rambled enough.

Disclaimer: Obviously, they're not mine. Would we have had that - points to season finale - if they were? I don't think so. I do promise to put them back when I'm done. Except maybe Patrick Dempsey - I may keep him.

Please review!! All flames will be used to toast marshmallows for S'mores!!

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Testing the Water

Dr. Derek Shepherd exited the doors of Seattle Grace Hospital with a long, tired sigh. It was only just after 6 p.m., but he'd put in over twelve hours, dealing with the ongoing traumas from the ferry accident the week before. In addition to his scheduled surgeries, there had been several patients who had required emergency procedures, as well as various traumas that had come in during the normal course of the day. All in all, the day had been long and stressful, but now it was over.

Derek let a smile creep over his face as he headed for his car, thinking of what – or rather, who – was waiting for him at home. Dr. Meredith Grey, the love of Derek's life, had been released from the hospital two days before. Chief Webber had given the young intern two weeks off, both to recover from her drowning in Elliott Bay and also to deal with the death of her mother. Meredith seemed to be doing fine with both, but Derek suspected that they were affecting her more than she would admit, or realized herself. He was looking forward to getting her into the bathtub, her favorite method of relaxation, and maybe getting her to open up about her feelings.

Halfway home – and he wondered exactly when he'd begun thinking of Meredith's house as "home" – his phone rang; he grinned as he checked the caller ID. "How did you know I was thinking about you?" he asked by way of greeting.

"My super secret psychic powers, didn't you know?" Meredith giggled on the other end of the line. "Izzie's working late tonight – she's really loving being off probation – and there's no food in the house. Can you stop and pick up some Italian? I'm starving."

"No problem," Derek confirmed, smoothly changing lanes. "I'll be about twenty minutes, then. I'm halfway home."

"I missed you today." Meredith's voice was soft and hesitant; she was still learning how to open up to him, and Derek cherished every personal admission she made as another step.

"I missed you too," he replied. "I kept looking for you every time I got on an elevator."

"However are you going to get through the next two weeks?" Meredith asked, her tone light and teasing.

"I don't know," Derek tossed back, grinning. "I might have to start taking the stairs."

The banter continued, familiar and relaxing to them both, until Derek pulled into the parking lot of their favorite Italian place and went inside to order food. When he finally entered the foyer of Meredith's house, the warm homey atmosphere reached out to embrace him, instantly soothing away the worries of the day, in a way he'd never felt before, not even in New York with Addison.

He found Meredith in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on the dinner table. She liked to contribute to meals, even if she couldn't cook; she often joked that she was the queen of folded napkins. Derek leaned against the doorjamb and watched as she lit the two long taper candles in the middle of the table.

"Hey," he said finally, after taking a moment to admire the way the candlelight warmed and highlighted her delicate features.

"Hey." Meredith looked up from her contemplation of the candles, a smile lighting up her face. "How long have you been standing there?" she asked, as she moved to him and turned her face up for a kiss.

"Not long," he admitted, happily obliging her. "I got food."

The change was instantaneous; one minute, he was relishing the feel of Meredith's soft lips against his, and the next, his lips and his hands were empty as Meredith bounced away with the takeout bags. "I knew it," he sighed mournfully, an exaggerated pout settling across his features. "You only love me for my food,"

Meredith laughed as she dished the fragrant pasta onto plates and poured wine for both of them. "I've been stuck trying to feed myself all day," she reminded him. "Leftover grilled cheese and cold pizza – sound familiar? I've been dying for some decent food for hours!"

"Ah – so you admit that that stuff isn't decent!" Derek pointed out triumphantly. "I knew I'd bring you around eventually."

Meredith stuck her tongue out at him, and they fell into a happy, comfortable mood as dinner progressed. Derek found himself describing his surgeries in detail, with Meredith asking question after question in rapid succession. "Isn't Cristina supposed to be the surgical junkie?" he joked, pausing to catch his breath.

Meredith shrugged, a guilty flush spreading over her cheeks even as she grinned at him. "We're all surgical junkies," she pointed out. "Cristina's getting her fix by actually _being_ there in all the blood and guts, so I need mine. Can't you convince the Chief to let me come back? I'm fine; I really don't need two weeks off. I'm going to fall so far behind . . . "

"Even if I could, I wouldn't do it," Derek told her firmly, getting up to clear the table. "Your mother died, Mere – and you almost went with her. You need time to process all that whether you realize it or not." He laughed as she pouted at him, her green eyes twinkling under her lashes. "You're cute when you pout, but the answer is still no. Come on, now – I have a surprise for you."

"What kind of surprise? Derek-" Meredith's questions were cut off abruptly as Derek pulled her close and kissed her deeply, letting all his passion for her come through. The intensity of it left Meredith floating in a daze, unable to protest as he led her to her room and told her to undress before disappearing into the attached bathroom. Meredith did as she was told, allowing the flush of desire that rose in her to keep her warm against the chill of the air.

It wasn't long before Derek's voice beckoned her into the bathroom, and she entered to find him in the tub, grinning like a little boy as he created a mound of bubbles with the running water. Candles glowed from strategic points around the room, creating beautiful contrasts of light and shadows. It was a thoroughly romantic scene, and yet it created a vague sense of unease in Meredith, something dark and formless that she couldn't quite name. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, hoping to calm herself and ease her sudden discomfort. She smiled as she recognized the scents of vanilla and lavender, her favorites, rising around her and combining to create a scent that –

_-almost choked her as she got out of the ambulance, a mix of smoke and fuel that combined to make her want to vomit, it was so strong – _

"-all right?" Meredith's eyes flew open to see Derek cock his head curiously at her from the tub. "I thought you'd drifted off right there," he said, grinning at her. "I know interns can sleep anywhere, but I didn't think you could do it standing up."

"No, I'm awake," Meredith assured him. "I just . . . I was admiring the candles. You really went all out with them; it's nice."

"I wanted to make it relaxing for both of us," Derek admitted as he shut off the water. "It's been a hectic day. We're still dealing with some of the long-term cases from the ferry crash."

Meredith was only half listening as she approached the tub, the other half of her mind lazily appreciating the way the light from the candles glowed on the water as it rippled in the tub. She wondered idly how she'd gotten so lucky to finally be there with the man she loved more than life itself, who would run a bath for them at the end of the day, complete with candles, that –

_-spread an almost unholy light across the water, as the fires from the collided ships consumed the fuel supply of both. Combined with the choking fumes, it felt like they had stepped into some lower circle of Hell – _

"Meredith?" Derek reached out and grabbed her hand, a puzzled frown creasing his face. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine," Meredith said instinctively, trying to ignore the way his wet hand made her shiver. She fought the urge to yank her hand from his and continued on. "Really, I am; I'm just tired." Shaking her head, she stepped into the tub, curling into Derek's body automatically. "I don't know why I'm still so tired; I've been getting twice as much sleep as I usually get the past few nights."

"You were dead for over three hours, Mere," Derek said softly, running a hand up and down her arm. "Not to mention everything it took to get you back. You're going to tire easily for a while; that's why Richard gave you the time off, to recover."

Something in his voice made Meredith turn and look up at him. There had never really been time to discuss it, what had happened to him during the time she'd been dead. She reached up, bringing her hand up out of the water –

_-reaching blindly for the air, the promise of life, reaching for something to grab on to. But there was nothing-_

"Mere?" Derek took her hand in his, cupping it against his cheek. The physical contact broke the memory, and Meredith blinked back into herself with a gasp.

"I'm fine," she repeated, wishing she felt as certain as she tried to sound. "Just tired." Suddenly, she couldn't bear it any longer, and stood up. "I'm going to bed." Stepping out of the tub, she reached for a towel and began scrubbing at her body, unaccountably desperate to remove all traces of the water from her body.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" Derek reached out for her, confusion washing across his face. "Maybe we should talk. I can-" he started to get up, but she waved him back down.

"No, you relax; I know you need it," she insisted. "I'll just be in bed when you're done." She fled the bathroom before he could protest any further and wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed when he didn't follow her. Slipping into her favorite Dartmouth T-shirt and a pair of pajama pants, she climbed into bed. She hadn't really lied to Derek – she was tired, even with the extra sleep she'd had. Even so, sleep proved elusive. She was still awake, her mind running in circles a half-hour later when she heard Derek come out of the bathroom. He spoke her name, his voice soft and questioning; she didn't answer, hoping he would think she was asleep. After a moment, he sighed and got into bed; the mattress dipped under his weight, and then she was being pulled into a pair of warm arms. Despite what had just happened in the bathroom, and her own continued sense of unease, Meredith couldn't help smiling as she spooned into the only place she'd felt safe in a long time.

"I love you, Mere," Derek whispered, his breath warm against the back of her neck. "Just remember that, and everything will be ok."

Other people had said that to her, and it was just words. But when Derek said it, Meredith believed it could be true. She closed her eyes, fervently praying that it was true. But as the darkness closed in around her, words that she had spoken months ago returned, ghosting through her mind with a fairy's touch.

_I have a feeling . . . . . _


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own them. If I did, would we be hanging off a cliff wondering what the hell's going on with Mer/Der? I think not. I will put them back when I'm done with them, so that hopefully Shonda will fix her mess.

A/N:I want to thank all of you who reviewed, and those who added me to your Favorites lists. That's never happened to me before, so it was very special; thank you!!! So here's chapter 2 for all you wonderful people. As always, thanks to my wonderful betas, samsolace and AriaAdagio - go read their stories, they're awesome! Reviews are love, so give me much love - no flames, though. Flames will only be used to make S'mores. ponders yumminess of S'mores Actually, go ahead and flame me - I love S'mores!!! giggle

Testing the Water, chapter 2

_Cold. That's all she knew, all her brain would let her process. It clawed at her, wrapped around her until she thought she would freeze solid and sink to the floor of the bay as an ice cube. She struggled to the surface, desperate to get her head above water, to get back to land, to Derek. When she finally broke through, her heart sank – land was so far away! But she could do it, she could . . . ._

_**'No, you can't, Meredith,' **__a voice whispered inside her head, a voice that sounded eerily like her mother, so recently lucid and disappointed. __**'You're ordinary, nothing more. The strong, determined person I raised could get herself out of this. But you're not that person anymore, are you? Soft, unfocused, all weak in the knees over a man – that's who you are now. You don't have a chance here – why bother? What's the point?'**_

_The voice was right, Meredith realized. What would be the point of fighting? She'd never be what they wanted her to be; wouldn't it be easier to just stop? Her feet stopped kicking for one second – only one, but it was enough. The choking cold of the water closed over her head again, and in a moment of terrible clarity she realized her mistake. But it was too late, and when she opened her mouth to scream the water poured in, freezing her from the inside as well as out. The last thing she heard as she began her silent descent to the bottom of the bay was a voice whispering her name over and over: __**'Meredith, Meredith, Mere-'**_

'-dith, wake up!"

A scream tore its way out of her throat as Meredith bolted upright in bed, sweating profusely. Her eyes darted wildly around the room as she sucked down huge lungfuls of air, trying desperately to reassure herself of where she was. Gradually, the room came into focus. She saw Derek in front of her, his black curls in disarray around his face as he gently cupped her face in his hands. "It's all right, Mere," he said softly, his thumbs reaching to smooth away the tears from her cheeks. "You're safe; you're in your room. It was just a nightmare. I'm here; everything's ok now."

"Cold . . ." Meredith began to shiver violently, helplessly, and she reached out for Derek. He turned, putting his back to the headboard, and pulled her against him. He pulled the covers up to their waists and wrapped his arms around her, cocooning her in warmth. Gradually she felt the tremors fade away, but the feeling of cold remained deep inside.

"Better?" Derek asked, resting his cheek against the top of her head. She nodded, and felt the movement of his face as he smiled. "Can you tell me what you were dreaming about?" he asked, the hesitance in his voice indicating his reluctance to cause her pain. "It must have been bad; it took me over five minutes to wake you."

Meredith tensed involuntarily, feeling suddenly trapped in the circle of his arms. She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat, wondering where the feeling had come from. Why should she feel trapped by the man she loved? All he wanted was to help her, to calm her and make her feel loved and safe. But the cold seemed to have paralyzed her vocal cords, and she couldn't make the words come out. She settled for burying her face deeper into Derek's chest and shaking her head.

"Ok; it's ok, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Derek assured her, running his hands in soothing motions up and down her back. "Just remember it was only a bad dream, and it's over now, ok? I'm here, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."

Meredith nodded, letting his words and the love behind them soak into her heart; they didn't completely banish the awful cold, but they helped a lot. Suddenly there was movement in the corner of her eye, and she pulled her face away from Derek's chest to see Izzie entering the room with a large ceramic mug in her hands.

"Here; it's wild orange, her favorite," she said softly, handing the mug to Derek.

"Thanks, Izzie," he replied; taking the mug, he wrapped both of Meredith's hands around it. She clutched it tightly, relishing the warmth that seeped into her palms, banishing the nightmarish chill that seemed to linger in her bones. Taking a sip, she savored the sweet orange flavor of the tea, feeling warmer immediately.

"No problem," Izzie shrugged, a sad smile flitting across her face. "I can't even count the number of times she did this for me after Denny died. It really helped." Reaching out, she let her hand rest on Meredith's shoulder for a long, comforting moment, then turned and headed for the door.

"Stay?" The word burst from Meredith's lips before she could stop it, before she had even realized that she wanted it. The nightmare was fading with every blink, but she could remember feeling cold, and so alone . . . . She shivered and took another sip of tea.

Izzie turned back from the doorway, shooting a questioning glance at Derek, who looked down at Meredith for a moment before nodding. He scooted over, pulling her with him, to make room for Izzie on the bed. As Izzie settled in beside her, Meredith freed one of her hands from the mug of tea to intertwine it with Izzie's, gripping tightly. Closing her eyes, she let herself be comforted by the feeling of Derek's body on one side of her and Izzie's on the other. It almost felt like old times when she and Izzie used to crowd into George's bed with him.

"Anyone want to have sex?" Izzie whispered, an impish grin spreading over her face as she caught Meredith's eye. Caught off guard by how perfectly their thoughts had coincided, Meredith burst out laughing, nearly spilling her tea in the process.

"This is a very small bed," she giggled back, laughing harder as she caught Derek's confused expression. "Never mind," she told him, taking a longer drink of tea. "Private joke; you kind of had to be there."

Derek's face softened into a smile, and he reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. "I'm just glad it made you laugh," he said softly. "Do you want to try going back to sleep?"

Meredith took another long drink of her tea to combat the fresh burst of cold that flooded through her at the thought of sleeping again. The nightmare had been dispersed by the tea, by Derek and Izzie, but she could feel it hovering on the edges of her mind, waiting to pounce. "Not yet," she said finally, feeling guilt sweep through her for denying them their own rest but unable to send them away. "Do you – could we just stay like this for a while?"

They didn't answer her in words. There was a long moment of silence, long enough to make her worry, but then it ended. Derek wrapped his arms around her waist, wordlessly declaring his support and love while Izzie nestled close into her other side, resting her head on Meredith's shoulder. They stayed that way for a long time, without speaking. The warmth of her lover on one side and her dear friend on the other helped Meredith fight the feelings of isolation that lingered from her dream, while Izzie and Derek used the reality of Meredith's physical presence to dispel the panicked emotions they still felt when remembering her death. Meredith finished her tea; the warmth combined with her physical comfort, lulling her back toward sleep. She tried to fight it, fearful of another nightmare. Vaguely, she felt Izzie removing the mug from her hands and the shift of the mattress as her friend got up and left the room. Then she was moving, as Derek gently encouraged her back into a reclining position.

"No . . . I can't . . ." she protested sleepily, struggling against him to stay sitting. He didn't understand; she couldn't go back there, to the cold, the darkness, to being so alone . . .

"Yes, you can, Mere," Derek whispered, wrapping his arms around her. "You're exhausted, and you need the sleep. Don't worry, I'll be right here," he continued, as if he'd heard her thoughts. "You're not alone; I'm here, and I'm staying. I'll be right here when you wake up."

Meredith wanted to protest some more, to make him understand, but it was too late. Sleep pulled her under, and she clung tightly to the strong arms around her as the darkness washed over her.

Derek held her for a while after she fell asleep, listening to her breathe, letting the long, slow whispers of sound wash over him. Part of his mind whispered to him, telling him that he needed sleep as well, but it was drowned out by the memories of what had just transpired. He couldn't forget the image of Meredith, her arms flailing as if she was trying to escape from something, even fighting against him as he tried desperately to wake her. It had taken so long; he'd been on the verge of just slapping her outright to free her from the nightmarish grip of her subconscious. He blessed Izzie once again for grasping the scene without needing explanations and knowing immediately to go and make tea.

As if summoned by his thoughts, the blonde intern appeared in the doorway. "Is she asleep?" she whispered, her voice barely reaching his ears.

Derek tried to raise himself up a little to see his love's face, but Meredith apparently would have none of that idea. She murmured something inaudible and clutched his arms tighter, preventing him from moving. He settled instead for nodding a confirmation. "Thank you," he whispered, catching Izzie's eyes to convey his sincerity more thoroughly.

"She's family," Izzie said simply, as if no other reply had ever entered her mind; probably none had. "She was there for me after Denny. I can't do any less than be there for her now. She deserves to be happy."

"And she will be," Derek said firmly, feeling the words engrave themselves on his heart with all the permanence of a surgical scar. "If I have anything to say about it, she'll be happy for the rest of her life."

"Good," Izzie said, smiling. She turned to go back to her room and then stopped. "Don't forget to get some sleep yourself, Dr. Shepherd," she said, looking over her shoulder. "She'll still be there in the morning." Then she left, closing the door behind her.

Derek smiled as he spooned himself closer to Meredith, inhaling the lavender scent of her conditioner. The words from his conversation with Izzie replayed in his head, resonating with the force of absolute truth. But it was the look in Meredith's eyes as she'd finally torn herself free of the nightmare, a look of absolute hopelessness and fear that followed him into slumber, leaving him with the feeling that this was not the end of the troubles, but only the beginning.

uses best hypnotist voice Press the purple button . . . you must review . . . .


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Well, here we are with chapter 3!! I wan't planning on posting this so soon, but I had a very nice review from NNP1981, and she mentioned that it was her birthday today. So Happy Birthday, Natalie; hope you like your present! Cristina is one of my favorite characters on the show; I think she gets the best lines! Hopefully I've done her justice here. As always, thanks and hugs for my wonderful betas, AriaAdagio and samsolace. You guys rock!!!

Disclaimer: Please. I so don't own them. All I own is Seasons one and two on DVD - and three, as soon as it comes out!! I promise to put them back when I'm done, honest!

Testing the Water, chapter 3

_I don't know why I'm here. _The thought ran through Cristina's head repeatedly, annoyingly, as she stared at the front door of Meredith's house. She welcomed the annoyance. She could understand it, and it usually came with an easy solution. If someone or something annoyed her, she made that person or thing go away, and then she wasn't annoyed anymore. Easy problem, easy solution – simple. But not this time. This time, the problem wasn't that simple, and since it involved her person, that made things even more complicated.

All her life, Cristina had been focused on being a doctor. She'd never had many friends; the details of interpersonal relationships had always confounded her. That was one of the reasons she'd focused on surgery, as it required the least amount of interaction with the patients. The other interns had been nothing more than competition, obstacles to get past to keep her place in the program. She'd recognized Meredith as a major competitor, because her mother was Ellis Grey. She had originally intended to use Meredith as a marker, someone to measure herself against in her quest to be the best. But now Meredith was her 'person', a term that had been transmuted from its original meaning to something closer than friends, closer even than family. Meredith had called them sisters, and Cristina knew how much that meant to her. She also knew that her person had been having a hard time recently, and that meant that Meredith needed her, even if Meredith didn't know it.

She'd been intending to give Meredith a little space after coming home from the hospital, a chance to get settled before dragging her out to Joe's to get her drunk. Meredith always shared once the tequila started flowing; she was a chatty drunk, which Cristina found highly amusing. But she'd woken up that morning, her first day off in two weeks, and she'd had a feeling. Nothing that would lead to bombs in body cavities, of course, but strong enough to force Cristina out of bed and bring her to Meredith's house, to see if she could get anything out of her.

"God, I'm going soft," she muttered darkly as she rapped sharply on the door. "If I don't watch it, I'll turn into Barbie and become the president of Fantasyland!" Her ramblings were cut off as Meredith answered the door, wearing a tank top and a pair of pajama pants.

"Cristina!" she said, pulling the door open to let her friend in. "What are you doing here? Isn't today your day off?"

"Yeah," Cristina shrugged as if it were no big deal. "I can't stay in the apartment too long; it's too clean. So, I thought I'd see if you wanted to go jogging."

Meredith's lips quirked in a bitter smile. "The last time we went jogging, the day didn't end so well," she pointed out.

"Well, I'm not pregnant, so unless you are, we've got nothing to worry about," Cristina countered. "And we already know your mom's sick, so you haven't got anything else to spring on us." She paused, and eyed Meredith suspiciously. "You **don't** have anything else, right?" Meredith shook her head quickly, and Cristina nodded in satisfaction. "That's what I thought. Now, let's go!"

"All right, just let me go change." Meredith disappeared up the stairs and reappeared five minutes later, dressed in her Dartmouth shirt and a pair of dark grey sweatpants. She sat on the bottom step to tie her sneakers, then stood up and grabbed her keys. "Ok, I'm ready," she said, following Cristina out the door and locking it behind them.

Meredith didn't say much as they jogged through the park near her house, the same one they always went running in. Despite what she'd said, Cristina found herself remembering the last time they'd been jogging, the day they'd found out about Ellis Grey and the day she'd lost the baby she'd been planning to abort. The silence became awkward after a while, and Cristina's feeling intensified. Meredith wasn't as overly chatty as Izzie could be at times, but she usually talked more than she was now. _Something __**is**__ wrong, and I'm going to make her spill, _she decided.

"So, what's up with you?" she said finally, unable to stand the silence any more. They had stopped to catch their breath, and Meredith was stretching out, reaching for her toes with both hands.

"What do you mean? Nothing's up; I'm fine," Meredith said, blowing out a deep breath as she popped back upright. "Let's keep going."

Cristina rolled her eyes as they started jogging again, heading back for Meredith's house. "Mere, when you say 'I'm fine,' that's code for 'My life is crap,' and we both know it. Your mother died, and you almost died, too." She pushed away the memories that surfaced with that statement, memories of Meredith lying on the table, so blue and so still. "As if you didn't have enough baggage in your life, now you have that, too. Talk to me; I'm your person, remember?"

"Cristina, if I had anything to say, don't you think I'd say it?" Meredith snapped, slowing to a walk as they reached her street.

Cristina didn't even blink. "No," she said simply, her face expressionless.

"Well, I would," Meredith insisted. She looked down, fishing in her pocket for her keys. When she looked back up, Cristina was watching her.

Cristina didn't say a word. All she did was cock an eyebrow, and Meredith flinched as that simple gesture recalled all the times she hadn't talked when bad things had happened.

"Ok, you're right," she conceded as she unlocked her front door. "I just . . . I don't know what to say, Cristina. It's not like this has ever happened to me before." She sighed heavily as she sat down to take off her shoes. "I need a shower; do you want to go first?"

Cristina shook her head. "I'm good. You take your time; I'll just be in the kitchen drinking all your beer. Don't think we're not still talking once you get out, though." She turned and headed down the hall toward the kitchen before Meredith could say anything else.

Watching her go, Meredith couldn't help but smile. Cristina had always been able to get stuff out of her. As she made her way upstairs to the shower, she remembered back to their first shift, when Cristina had gotten her to divulge her one-night stand with Derek while they researched Katie Bryce's condition. Her smile faded as she realized that she was once again going to be forced to tell her friend what she wanted to know. Once Cristina decided she wanted to know something, she was worse than a Rottweiler; giving up just wasn't in her vocabulary.

Meredith sighed and turned on the water, deciding to give herself a nice long shower as time to figure out what to say. She hadn't been lying before; she really didn't know how to put her feelings into words. Not talking when bad things happened didn't exactly give her a lot of practice at discussing her feelings. But she knew Cristina wouldn't be put off, so she'd have to find something to give her. She stuck her hand under the water to test the temperature. Deciding it was ok, she pulled it back out and suddenly found herself fascinated by the drops of water running down her hand and over her wrist, running-

_-down her face as she broke through the surface of the water, gasping desperately for air. Sirens wailed in her ears as she looked around, searching for the dock, praying that she wasn't too late-_

Meredith blinked as the sirens began to fade away, heading in the general direction of Seattle Grace. She shook her head, re-orienting herself back into the present, and stepped into the shower. She closed her eyes and stood for a moment under the spray, waiting for the familiar feeling of peace to kick in. She'd always been able to relax in the shower, even falling asleep in it once or twice. It was her safe place, a haven from the insanity of an intern's life. But as she stood there, all that surfaced in her mind was memories of the ferry accident, the smell in the air, the shouts of the rescue personnel mixed with the cries of the victims, the slap of the water against her back as she fell in, the feeling of it rushing down her throat . . . .

With a snap, Meredith's eyes flew open. There were no coherent thoughts in her head, only a driving need. Reaching for a washcloth, she rushed to lather it up and scrubbed at her body with an almost frantic haste. Rinsing off, she snatched up her shampoo and scrubbed it into her hair, following with her conditioner as soon as she'd washed the shampoo out. The familiar scent of lavender did little to calm her as she shut off the water, feeling strangely relieved as she watched the last of it swirl down the drain. She took particular care drying off, and even took the time to blow dry her hair. She usually didn't bother with that, preferring to let it dry naturally, but now she couldn't stand for even one part of her body to be the slightest bit wet.

Cristina had migrated to the living room by the time she got downstairs. "Ok, who are you and what have you done with Meredith?" she asked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at her person as she dropped down onto the couch beside her.

"What are you talking about?" Meredith asked, confused.

"Mere, I'm not even halfway through my first beer," Cristina said, gesturing to the open bottle on the coffee table. "I was expecting to at least get buzzed waiting for you. You take showers like Izzie bakes, but today you're in and out in less than five minutes. Now I know something's up, so spill."

"I took longer than five minutes," Meredith argued, nervously plucking at the hem of her shirt.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Only if you count the time you spent blow drying your hair, which you never do. Also the insane amount of time you spent going through everything you own while getting dressed. Factor all that in, and you get . . . about fifteen minutes, Mere. The shower took less than five. Now, are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or not?"

Meredith gave up at that point. She couldn't lie; not to her person, her sister, it just wasn't possible. She opened her mouth to speak . . . and was cut off by the insistent beeping coming from the pocket of Cristina's sweatshirt.

"What the – it's my day off!" Pulling out the tiny black device, Cristina checked the screen and grinned. "Ooh – pileup on the interstate. Sounds like lots of bloody surgery to me!"

Meredith had never been so glad to have a pager go off in her life. _Saved by the bell . . . or the beep, in this case_. "Well then, you'd better get a move on," she said, grinning in reply. "Bloody surgeries wait on no woman, and Izzie and George are already there. You don't want them stealing your surgeries, do you?"

Cristina's eyes widened at the thought, and she bolted up off the couch. Halfway to the door, she stopped and turned back. "Are you going to be all right by yourself?" she asked, frowning. "You were just about to tell me what's wrong, weren't you?"

"I'll be fine," Meredith assured her, falling easily back into her old routine. "Nothing's wrong, Cristina; honestly, I'm fine."

She hadn't fooled her, Meredith could tell; the way Cristina narrowed her eyes told her that. She opened her mouth as if to say more, but the repeated beeping of her pager drew her attention away, and she settled for extracting a promise that Meredith would call if she needed her before dashing out the door.

Meredith sat on the couch for a while, enjoying the quiet, before heading up to her room to double check her pager. It hadn't gone off, so she headed for the basement to do some laundry, trying to pretend that the feeling spreading through her wasn't relief at having escaped Cristina's questioning. _Everything's fine, _she told herself, doing her best to sound convincing. _Everything's just fine . . . _

Ok, you know what to do!! Make me happy; it's my birthday Saturday, so give me lots of nice presents, ok?


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Ok, wow, here we are at chapter 4! First off, I want to thank all of you who've left such nice reviews for my story. They really make me feel good. For those of you who haven't reviewed, I encourage you to do so. It only takes a minute, and we authors appreciate it so much! I'd also like to thank my betas, samsolace and AriaAdagio, for all their help. You guys are the best! Also, those of you who've read Aria's story Lightning Strikes Twice may notice a few details in this chapter that are similar. I assure you, I didn't steal them. I just have read the story so many times, I guess a few of the smaller details kind of migrated to my brain through sheer repetition. Any duplication is unintentional, but since it is there, all credit for them belongs to her. Everyone go read and review her stories, and Sam's!!! Ok, enough babble.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, would I be working two jobs? I think not. I just like to play with them; I'll put them back when I'm done, honest!!! Ok, on with the story!!!

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Testing the Water, chapter 4

"Shep, what are you still doing here?"

Derek's head snapped up as soon as the voice spoke, but it took him several minutes to focus on the figure standing in his office doorway. Richard Webber stood there, his coat on and a hat in hand, clearly on his way home.

"What?" Derek stopped and cleared his throat; it felt like he hadn't spoken in hours. Maybe he hadn't; he couldn't remember. "What time is it?"

"It's after 11," Richard told him. "And I know you were in early this morning. You should have gone home hours ago; why are you still here?"

Derek rubbed a hand over his eyes, not even bothering to stifle the yawn that overtook him. "I'm just finishing up the last of the paperwork on my cases from the interstate pileup yesterday morning." Scrawling his name across the last of the forms, he put them in an envelope for delivery in the morning and lurched to his feet. "I need to get home," he muttered, grabbing his briefcase and fishing for his car keys. The Chief followed him out of the office and waited while he locked the door behind him.

"So, how's Meredith doing?" Richard asked, a note of hesitancy in his voice, as they walked down the hall toward the elevator.

Derek frowned, shaking his head as he recalled the events of the last few days. "She says she's fine, but I'm not so sure," he admitted, the words coming easily in the comforting presence of his old professor. "I tried to get her to talk about things two nights ago, but she shut down before I could get very far. She had a really bad nightmare the same night, and then another one last night. She won't talk about them; she won't talk about her mother or the . . . the drowning, at all. I'm really getting worried, Chief."

"Well, if it were anyone else, I would say give her time," Richard mused as they boarded the elevator. "But I don't have to tell you that Grey women are stubborn, and Meredith having the childhood she did . . . she's not big on sharing."

"God, what did Ellis do to her?" Derek wondered aloud, watching the numbers blink down to the lobby. "How can one woman damage her own child so badly?"

"You have to understand, Derek; Ellis was a brilliant surgeon, but as a mother, she made a lot of mistakes," Richard explained. "Being a surgeon is easy; you're taught what you need to know, given a basic framework of techniques that you can improvise on when you need to. A child doesn't come with an instruction manual. Ellis did try, but it was just easier, a lot of the time, for her to hide in her work. Unfortunately, Meredith was the one to suffer; she learned early not to rely on anyone but herself, and that allowing herself to need someone or show vulnerability was a sign of weakness."

Derek was silent for a long time, letting Richard's words sink in. "So what do I do?" he asked finally, as they exited the hospital. It was one of Seattle's rare clear nights, and he let the twinkling stars soothe his jangled nerves. "How can I get Meredith to open up to me?"

"You're going to have to push her," Richard said with a heavy sigh. "It won't be easy; she's going to fight you pretty hard. I know you don't want to hurt her any more than she's already been hurt, but she needs this – in more ways than one – if she's ever going to start to heal. I would take her somewhere private where she can't run from you, and keep at it until you get through to her. It may be the only way to help her. Once she realizes that you aren't going anywhere, that you'll be there for the long haul, she'll be able to tell you what's wrong."

"Thanks, Chief." Derek smiled as he turned away, searching for the familiar shape of his car in the parking lot.

"One more thing, Shep," Richard suggested. "You might want to spend some time working out your own issues before you try to help Meredith with hers." Derek turned around, a puzzled look spreading over his face, but the Chief was already walking away, weaving through the few cars still left in the parking lot at that hour. Derek sighed as he turned back to finding his own car. Richard's last words whirled through his brain, again and again, and he was out of the parking lot and halfway to the ferryboat docks before he realized that he'd been moving on autopilot. He briefly considered turning back and heading home to Meredith, but his hands wouldn't turn the steering wheel in the right direction, so he kept going. Once he arrived at the docks, he got out, and sat down on a bench near the water's edge. The water was still and dark, broken only in the distance by a ferryboat moving across the far side of the bay.

_My own issues . . . I have to deal with my own issues before I can help Meredith with hers._ It made sense, but Derek had no idea where to start. He wasn't arrogant enough to think he didn't have any; he knew he did. Having one's girlfriend drown tended to create a whole boatload of issues, and he felt their weight in his heart. _I can't move forward with this weight, _he realized. _I'm no good to my patients, to Meredith, and especially to myself, unless I can get rid of it. _He tried to think, to lay all the issues out on the table, but his brain refused to cooperate. It kept circling around one word, one question, no matter how he tried to force it to do what he wanted. _Why? Why didn't she swim? _He suspected it had something to do with Ellis, and whatever she'd said to Meredith while she'd been lucid. Meredith had refused to say what that was, but it had to have had an impact on her actions that day. _Maybe she gave something away, _Derek thought. _Maybe if I think back, I might remember something she said, or did, that might tell me what Ellis said to her. But where should I start from? When I got to the scene – no, there was more to the day than that._

"The beginning's as good a place as any, I guess," he said out loud, and forced himself to go back in time, back to the day of the ferry disaster, when it had all started. He thought about pulling Meredith out of the tub, trying to get her to talk about her mother, telling her he was her knight in shining whatever. He remembered going to work, hearing about the disaster, riding to the scene in the back of an ambulance. _The sirens were so loud,_ he remembered. _I'd wondered how the paramedics were able to stand the noise, and whether they even noticed when they had a patient in the back. I wish I'd never had to find out . . . _He pulled his thoughts away from that track, and back to the accident scene.

The ferry had been so broken; it had hurt his heart to see it lying there, wounded, smoke and fire marring the graceful lines that had captured his imagination the first time he'd seen one. He'd moved through the mass of people quickly, triaging almost automatically, sending the worst of the wounded back to Seattle Grace. He remembered running into Meredith, a little blond girl clinging to her hand. Something about the look on Meredith's face as she'd helped him with one of the injured had brought the events of the morning back to him, and he'd tossed out the question without even thinking about it. _Do you want to get married? And I haven't asked, and now we have a problem?_

He'd been relieved when she'd frowned at him and said no, she didn't want to get married. It wasn't that he didn't want to marry her; he did. But they'd only known each other for less than a year, and with all the obstacles that had been thrown in their way – most of his own making, he knew – they had a lot of things to work through and overcome before he started thinking seriously about marriage. She'd said something about needing to get the little girl to the triage center, and then they had disappeared, before he'd been able to get anything more out of her. He'd stared after her as they had disappeared into the crowd, wondering for a moment. Then someone had called out to him, drawing his attention to another patient, and he'd been back in the thick of things.

_How long until I noticed she was missing? _Derek mused, staring at the water. _How long was she in the water, all alone? There was so much going on, but I should have kept track of her. I should have remembered the bathtub; maybe if I had, things would have been different._ Even as the thoughts crossed his mind, though, he knew better. The scene had been so chaotic, there had been no way for one person to keep track of another. _You couldn't have known, _he told himself firmly. _Even with the bathtub, there was no way to predict what happened. No one could have known . . . _

He hadn't known how much time had passed, but all of a sudden the crowds parted, and there she'd been. The little girl who'd been with Meredith, clinging to her like Meredith had been the only sane thing in a world gone mad, had been standing all alone in the middle of everything. As soon as their eyes had locked, he'd known something was wrong. After a bit of prodding, she'd taken off, and he had followed. As they'd drawn nearer to the edge of the pier, his bad feeling had only increased. Finally, they had been standing by the water, and he'd asked for the final time: _Where is Meredith?_ The girl's hand had risen, ever so slowly, to point out into the water, and Derek had felt his breath stop in his throat.

He couldn't remember shedding his jacket and diving into the water. The shock of the utter cold slamming into him had been the first thing his mind had registered, but he had shrugged it aside as unimportant as he'd gone deeper, struggling to peer through the murky waters, searching for any sign, any hint, that would have led him to Meredith. It hadn't been until his third time down that he had finally seen it: a splotch of pale blue, almost lost in the darkness. He'd had to force his muscles to work, to propel himself down, close enough to grab onto her hand. He'd forced himself not to recognize how limp her arm was in his grasp, how her hand had never moved to grab onto his arm or even twitched at all, as he towed her back to the surface. Even as waterlogged as she'd been, she'd weighed almost nothing in his arms as he ran for the nearest ambulance, amazed that he could run at all after the repeated dives in such cold water.

The ambulance ride had been a blur; the sirens that had seemed so loud on the way out became nothing more than background white noise. All he'd been able to focus on had been compressing Meredith's chest, trying to get her heart beating, trying to get air into her lungs. The feel of her cold lips as they'd met his in the hollow kiss of mouth-to-mouth contrasted so sharply with their usual warm response that it had made him nauseous, but he'd forced it down, focused on nothing but the need to save her life. But then they'd arrived at Grace, and he'd been pushed aside, thrown out of her trauma room, and she'd still shown not even a flicker of life. Three hours later, after countless rounds of drugs and procedures and the attentions of practically every surgeon at Grace, she'd finally come back.

_How did it get to that point? _he wondered. _Why didn't she swim?_ He knew she could; they'd gone swimming several times in his lake, and she'd beaten the pants off him every time he'd talked her into a race. She was an excellent swimmer; he could still remember the conversation they'd had after one of those races, just after they'd finally gotten back together . . .

_"Ok, fess up," Derek said, hoisting himself up onto the dock where Meredith waited with two towels in hand. "You're part mermaid, aren't you?"_

_Meredith laughed as she handed him his towel. "Not exactly," she said as she pulled her hair over her shoulder and worked briskly at it with her own towel. "Don't tell me you're a sore loser," she teased._

_"Not at all," Derek protested. "I've been beaten before – mostly by Mark." He allowed the fond memory of horsing around with his best friend in the community pool to overwhelm the bitterness that still surfaced whenever he thought of Mark, and continued. "But you'd put even him to shame; where on Earth did you learn to swim like that?"_

_"I didn't have any kind of special teacher," Meredith shrugged. Sitting down on the dock, she draped her towel around her shoulders and dangled her feet in the water. She was silent for a long time, long enough that Derek began to worry. He sat down next to her and watched the emotions play over her face. "My dad used to take me swimming all the time," she said finally, her voice so quiet he could barely hear her. "I barely remember, but there were lots of pictures in a photo album that my mother had hidden away in a closet. I found it just after we moved to Boston; I was exploring the new house while my mother was at the hospital – again. Swimming became a way for me to remember him, to keep him close in my heart, even if he was far away physically. So I kept swimming, and I guess I've just gotten better over the years."_

"She knows how to swim; she's a good swimmer," Derek mused to himself, recalling his words to Addison, just after she'd pulled him out of Ellis Grey's hospital room. "So, why didn't she?" This was it, he realized; this was what it all came down to. If he was ever going to put his issues to rest over Meredith's drowning, he needed to hear the answer to that question, and there was only one person who could give him that answer. Getting up off the bench, he was turning toward his car when his phone rang.

"Dr. Shepherd, thank God!" The panic in Izzie's voice stopped Derek in his tracks. "It's Meredith. She's having another nightmare, and we can't wake her. We've tried everything, and she just won't come out of it. She's screaming for you; you need to come home now!"

"I'm on my way, Izzie." Derek ran for his car, barely registering his actions as he headed back for Meredith's house. "Keep trying to wake her; I'll be there soon."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Ok, here we are in chapter 5 - exciting, huh? I know I left you guys with a bit of a cliffhanger last chapter, but don't worry - there's resolution in this chapter. Well, a bit, anyway. I want to take this opportunity to say Happy Birthday to Brandy, who left such a nice review, I think for chapter 3. I hope your birthday is a fun one! And for the rest of you, read, enjoy, and review, please! They make me happy, and a happy author updates!

Disclaimer: I only wish I owned them. I own seasons one and two, and will be at the store ASAP on September 11th to get my hot little hands on Season Three! I may have some issues with how that season went, but I hold out hope for Season 4!!!

Testing the Water, chapter 5

He heard the screaming as soon as he walked through the door. Dropping his things, Derek ran immediately for the stairs, the noise of his keys hitting the floor registering only distantly to his brain. Bursting into Meredith's room, he was almost bowled over by Izzie flying into him.

"Oh, thank God you're here!" she gasped, grabbing his arms to steady herself. "I've been trying to wake her, but I can barely get near her. Who knew such a little person could be so strong?" She bent over, her hands braced on her knees while she caught her breath.

"Where's George?" Derek asked, bending to strip off his shoes. His sweater and shirt followed, and Izzie took a second to wonder at his actions before answering.

"He went downstairs to get some water. We were actually at the point of throwing water on her, to see if that would wake her up." George had been half joking when he suggested it, but when they'd thought about it, the idea had started to make sense. She wasn't prepared for Derek's reaction; he jerked upright like he'd been stung, and then started pushing her toward the door.

"No! Tell George no water! Don't you get it? This is about her drowning; water will only make it worse. You two stay out here, and let me handle her!" The door closed sharply on the heels of his last words, leaving Izzie in the hallway in stunned silence. _My God, how could we have been so stupid? _she wondered. _God only knows what would have happened if we had dumped that water on her. _Turning sharply, she headed downstairs to intercept George before he got too far with the water. _Derek's here,_ she told herself firmly. _If anyone can help Meredith now, it's him. He'll take care of her._

Derek put Izzie out of his mind as soon as the door closed. He stripped off his pants and socks before approaching the bed; he wanted Meredith to be able to feel him with no clothes in the way. Meredith was showing no signs of waking up; she had managed to get herself completely entangled in the bed sheets, and she fought with them as she cried heartbreakingly for him to help her. Grabbing her hands, Derek struggled to get them to release their death grip on the sheets. It took several minutes before he succeeded, and he pulled the covers down to the foot of the bed. He lay down next to Meredith and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight as she fought against him.

"I'm here, Mere," he said soothingly, keeping his voice soft and low. "You're all right; you're not drowning, you're safe. I found you, I've got you, and it's all right. Come out of the water, Meredith; come back to me. I love you, and I'm here." He kept it up, repeating words of love and comfort into her ear in a slow, deep voice, wrapping her up in a warm cocoon until her cries lessened and she relaxed against him, curling up against his body. Brushing the hair out of her face with one hand, he caressed her face with the other and kissed her gently, encouraging her to cross the last barrier into wakefulness.

"Derek . . ." Meredith blinked sleepily at him as she swam back to consciousness, shaking free of the dark waters that had been pulling at her. "You're here?"

"I'm right here, Mere," Derek assured her, pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her. "You were having a nightmare, but you're okay now."

"You're here . . ." Meredith began to shake violently, and Derek felt the warmth of her tears against his chest as she sobbed. "No- no one came," she choked out, her voice small and fearful. "No one was there . . . I was all alone . . . so alone, and it was so dark . . . so cold. . ."

Derek's heart broke as he listened to her; he had never felt more helpless in his life. _No, _he realized suddenly. _That's not true. I did feel this helpless once before, sitting outside the trauma room, waiting to see if she would live. _He was a surgeon, and not being able to help Meredith, to fix things had left him with a lot of issues that he knew he needed to work on. But that didn't matter right now. Meredith was afraid, and she needed him. Whatever had happened to her while she'd been dead had seriously traumatized her, and his issues paled in comparison to whatever darknesses were stalking her dreams. His issues could wait; he needed to help her deal with hers now, before these nightmares completely debilitated her. He started to sit up, but was stopped when Meredith threw her arms around him. "No, don't- don't go!" she sobbed. "Please – don't leave me alone . . ."

"I was just going down to the kitchen to make you some tea, Mere," Derek reassured her, running his hands along her forearms. "Remember when Izzie made you some, a couple nights ago? It seemed to help. I'll be right back, I promise." He tried to pull her hands down, but she only tightened her grip and cried harder. After a few minutes, Derek gave up trying to move and returned to his previous position. He rocked her gently, smoothing her hair and trying to calm her down. She had a tendency to hyperventilate when she got too upset, and he was starting to get worried about her breathing. _The last thing she needs is to make herself sick over this,_ he told himself.

It seemed to take forever, but finally Meredith's tears slowed, and she lifted her head from Derek's chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered, as she tried and failed to meet his eyes. "I don't- mean to be so much trouble. I just . . . I want to . . . . I . . ."

"Hey," Derek interrupted gently. Putting a finger under her chin, he raised it until her tear-filled green eyes met his. "You have nothing to apologize for, Meredith," he told her firmly. "I love you, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. If you never believe anything else I say to you, believe that."

"I do," Meredith whispered, and Derek felt the weight on his heart lighten considerably at the absolute trust in her voice.

"Ok," he said, a twinkle in his eyes as he smoothed her hair back. "Do you feel up to some tea now? You can come with me if you don't want to be alone."

A flash of embarrassment crossed Meredith's face, and Derek was reminded of Richard's words about how she'd been taught that needing someone was a sign of weakness. He was about to damn Ellis Grey for damaging her daughter so badly when Meredith nodded, a hesitant smile appearing on her face. "Yeah," she said softly. "That would be nice." Derek's heart filled with hope at the sight of that smile, and he smiled back as he helped her out of bed and went to find his pajamas.

Once the tea was made, Derek led Meredith into the living room and settled down on the couch, pulling her into his lap and wrapping an old afghan around them. Silence reigned for a long time, as Meredith sipped her tea and Derek wrestled with his thoughts. He'd known from the beginning that Meredith's nightmares had something to do with her drowning; she'd never said much about them, but her repeated references to being cold and alone had clued him in. Suddenly it hit him, with an almost physical jolt that he had to struggle to keep Meredith from noticing. _The bath a few nights ago – what if that's what started this? Could she- _His musings were interrupted when Meredith moved in his arms, reaching to set the empty teacup on the coffee table. "Feeling better?" he asked as she snuggled back into place.

"Mmmmm. . ." Meredith nodded, tucking her head into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. "Not quite so cold," she admitted after a moment. "Still a little shaky, though. Definitely not ready to go back to sleep."

Derek found himself taking a deep breath, as if to brace himself before a storm. _Test it out, _he thought. _See how she reacts._ "Would you like me to run you a bath?" he offered. "That always helps settle you down."

The change happened in the blink of an eye. One minute Meredith was soft and warm in his arms, the next she was stiff as a board, her skin going cold with tension as she shrugged his arms away and climbed to her feet. "N-no, that's ok," she stammered nervously, not meeting his eyes. "I'm fine, really. It was just a silly nightmare, nothing to get all concerned over . . ." She darted out of the room, but Derek lunged off the couch and caught up with her at the base of the stairs.

"Meredith, you're not fine," he insisted, catching her by the wrist. "This is the third night in a row that you've had a nightmare; they were bad to start with, and they're only getting worse. And now you don't want a bath? You love baths; you always tell me that they're your favorite method of relaxation. If you ever needed relaxation, you need it now. But all I did was mention it, and you practically tripped over yourself trying to get away. What's wrong? What are you trying to avoid?"

"Derek, I'm not trying to avoid anything; I'm fine, really." Meredith bit her lip, not meeting his eyes. "I . . . had a bath earlier, before I went to bed. I don't need another one; I just want to go back to sleep."

"I thought you said you weren't ready for sleep just a minute ago," Derek pointed out, confused.

"Well – well, now I am," Meredith stammered. "The tea, it was very relaxing, thanks so much for making it. Please, Derek . . ."

She wasn't fine, and he could see it. Derek was about to open his mouth to argue some more, but then she raised her head and finally looked him in the eyes. Tears lurked in their luminous depths, not to the point of brimming but close, and the fear and pain hiding behind them undid his resolve. He couldn't push her, not here, not like this. He sighed, and nodded his head in silent agreement.

"Will you come and hold me?" Meredith looked at him hopefully, and he could see that she was trying. She couldn't talk about it yet, but she was trying. "I sleep better when you're holding me."

Derek smiled at her admission. "Sure, Mere." As he followed her up the stairs, his mind drifted back to his earlier thoughts, finishing the one that had been left incomplete:

_Could she be afraid of the water?_

_Ok, you know the drill. Reviews are love!!!_


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, so here's chapter 6! I'm so sorry for the wait; real life is a pain in the ass, let me tell you! I had a really hectic weekend where I literally got nothing done with this, plus my part-time job is being difficult. Also, I was trying to write the final part, and was having difficulties. I didn't want to get stuck with writer's block, so I wanted to wait till I could see the end. But now I can, so here's the next bit!

A/N: I just realized something very important, that I'm surprised no one pointed out to me. This is after the ferry arc, yet George is apparently still living in the house! _facepalm_ Honestly, I didn't even notice. Ok, then, so for the purposes of this story, just pretend that George and Callie did not get married, and he's still living in the house. I have nothing against Callie, I just forgot about that story line. So, there you go.

Disclaimer: I live in Delaware, and I work two jobs. At the very least, the second situation would not exist if I owned the show. So obviously, I don't own it, right?

Testing the Water, chapter 6

Derek was silent as he drove to work the next morning. Even the familiar rhythms of 'Combat Rock', his favorite Clash CD, weren't enough to lift him out of his thoughts. Wearily, he let his body take over the routine of driving to Seattle Grace while his mind replayed the events of the night. Meredith had fallen asleep quickly once they'd returned to bed, but he'd lain awake for a long time, kept from sleep by the last revelation he'd had. Even now, it ran through his head, and he punched the CD off angrily as the words in his head began to pulsate to the beat of the music. Switching to the radio, he started hitting the pre-programmed buttons and finally settled on the local pop station. After a few minutes of chatter from the DJs, a slow ballad began to play. Almost immediately, the words struck a chord in Derek's mind, breaking through his thoughts, and he turned the volume up to hear better.

_**Every time I look at you the world just melts away**_

_**All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections**_

_**You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am**_

_**And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land**_

_**You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe in**_

_**You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe**_

Derek listened in amazement as the song said it all, laying out his whole relationship with Meredith. "She is my one true thing," he said softly, feeling the certainty settle into his soul. The certainty wrapped around the hole that was still there, the one that contained the issues he knew he still had from Meredith's drowning, and shrank it a bit – but not completely.

_**I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe**_

_**No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it**_

_**Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go**_

_**You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go**_

_**You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe in**_

_**You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe**_

_"You're going to have to push her." _Derek knew the Chief was right. He'd tried giving Meredith space, and her nightmares were only getting worse. He was going to have to force the issue, no matter how much it hurt her, because it was the only way she was going to deal with things, get everything out on the table, and start to heal.

_**Love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me**_

_**There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down**_

_**You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown**_

_**But you pick me up & brush me off and tell me I'm OK**_

_**Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day**_

_**You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe in**_

_**You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe**_

_**You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together**_

_**You're the one true thing I know I can believe . . . **_

Derek looked up as the song ended, and was unsurprised to find himself in the parking lot of Seattle Grace. As he locked the car and headed for the entrance, he found that the song had replaced the disturbing thoughts from earlier in his head. "I believe in Meredith," he said to himself as he boarded a thankfully empty elevator. "She's worth fighting for, and I can't give up on her now."

"Talking to yourself? That's a bad sign for a brain surgeon, McDreamy."

Startled, Derek looked up and saw that the elevator was no longer empty. Standing beside him was none other than Meredith's person, Cristina Yang. He'd never understood the strange relationship between the two of them, which apparently gave Cristina the right to do things like kick him out of the bedroom so she and Meredith could talk. No matter that the door had been closed or that he'd been trying to persuade Meredith to have sex. But now, he found himself very grateful for it, because Cristina knew Meredith well enough to have noticed if something was wrong, even through the usual 'fine' smokescreen Meredith usually threw up around herself.

"Only if you answer yourself, Dr. Yang," he replied with a smile. "You're just the person I wanted to see." The smile dropped from his face as he reached out and punched the button for his floor.

Cristina cocked an eyebrow at him. "You may have half the female population of this hospital convinced that you're God's gift to women, Shepherd, but you should know by now that I'm not one of them. Save the elevator moments for Meredith, ok?"

Derek tried to conceal an annoyed sigh as the elevator rose slowly. It stopped on the next floor, and two nurses got on. He stayed silent until they departed one floor later, trying to figure out how to talk to this woman. Meredith made it look so easy; they always had their heads together whenever he saw them, chatting nonstop about everything under the sun. "Something's wrong with Meredith," he said finally, opting to go for the straightforward approach.

That got Cristina's attention, and she turned to face him. "What do you mean, wrong?" she demanded, all her sarcasm immediately replaced with a focused intensity so strong that he almost missed the concern hidden underneath. "She had to get cleared by practically every department before she could go home; you all said she was fine. If you missed something, I swear . . ."

"It's nothing physical," Derek assured her. Cristina eyed him suspiciously for a minute, but some of the intensity left her, and she nodded for him to continue. "She's been having some pretty bad nightmares since just after she came home from the hospital, and I'm starting to get worried. I know you stopped by the other day, and I just wanted to know if you noticed anything unusual, anything she said or did that struck you as out of the ordinary."

Cristina didn't respond right away; she looked him up and down like a principal might do to a misbehaving student, and suddenly Derek was at the end of his rope. He reached out and pulled the emergency stop button, then turned to face Cristina head on. "Look, I know I'm not your favorite person," he admitted. "I know Meredith is your best friend, and I know you don't like me because I hurt her. I made a mistake, and I will always regret that one wrong choice hurt the woman I love so badly. But I do love her, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I am here, and I am never leaving her again. What do I need to do to convince you of that? I love her, Cristina, and I know you love her, too. Right now, the woman we both love is hurting, and if you know anything that I can use to help fix her, then you need to tell me. Now."

Cristina was silent for a long time, long enough that Derek was beginning to wonder if he'd gone too far. Realizing the elevator had been stopped for a long time, he reached out to restart it.

"Her shower was too short." Cristina spoke just as the elevator jolted back to life, her voice unusually soft. Derek turned back to her, but she was staring straight ahead, not meeting his eyes. "I had a feeling that morning, and I don't do feelings, not like Meredith does. But it wouldn't go away, so I went over there to get her out for a jog, just to see that she was all right and I was being stupid. She usually has a lot to say, especially when we're jogging, but she wouldn't talk, not at first, so when we got back, she went to take a shower, and I waited. I figured I'd have a better shot after she got out; I knew something was wrong by then, and I knew I could get her to tell me. She can never keep anything from me, not once I want to know something, and showers always loosen her up. I went into the kitchen to get a beer, and before I even had a chance to turn the TV on, she was done. You know how she is with showers; I was expecting to drink all her beer by the time she got out, but I never even finished one. She was in there maybe five minutes. I pressed her about it, and I think she was almost going to tell me, but then I got paged in for that interstate pileup."

Derek let a long breath out as he absorbed Cristina's words. He spent a minute putting her information together with what he already knew, weighing it all in his mind. Suddenly it all came clear, and he knew what he needed to do. "Thank you, Cristina," he said softly. The elevator reached his floor, and he walked through the doors as they opened, his mind reaching out to the tasks of the day.

"Shepherd." Cristina's voice startled him, and he turned to see her holding the elevator doors open. "You hurt her again, and I will come after you with a ten blade," she said firmly, her dark eyes fixed on him.

"If I hurt her again, Cristina . . . I'll let you," Derek said simply. The answer seemed to satisfy her, and the doors closed between them. Turning, Derek headed for his office, his mind already thinking ahead to the end of his shift, and to the next day. One way or another, he decided, what he was planning for the following day would change everything, and hopefully help Meredith heal. _I hope so, _he thought, directing the fervent thought to whatever deity might be listening. _God, I hope so . . . . _


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Still don't own them. The only things I own are all three seasons on DVD and an impending nervous condition the closer we get to the premiere!!!

A/N: Ok, people - this is the heavy hitter - at least in my opinion. If you are prone to crying, maybe have a tissue handy. Also, I want to say that if you've read AriaAdagio's story Lightning Strikes Twice, you may notice a few details that are similar. These were unintentional, and have been left in with Aria's gracious permission. I want to thank her and samsolace for being such wonderful betas, as well as writing such wonderful fics of their own to get me and others through the hiatus. Gracias, grazie, thank you, chicas!!!

Ok, on to the story!!!!

Testing the Water, chapter 7

"Derek, where are you taking me?" Meredith asked, fiddling nervously with the blindfold over her eyes. She was sitting in the passenger seat of Derek's car, trying to figure out their destination from what she could hear. So far, the only thing she could tell was that they had left the city; the sounds of traffic had faded, and the only thing she could hear over the noise of the engine was the rush of wind past the car and the occasional bird call. Derek had been mysterious about this trip from the beginning. He'd come home from the hospital the previous night and announced he was taking her somewhere in the morning for a surprise, but had steadfastly refused to say where, even in the face of her most creative pleading. The pleading had been fun, but not enough to keep her from another nightmare. Derek had woken her from it and held her while she cried, but had not pressed her to talk. He'd wanted to; she'd seen it on his face, but all he'd done was hold her and whisper soothing words in her ear.

_Why can't I tell him? _Meredith wondered to herself. She'd tried more than once, but every time she'd opened her mouth her mother's voice was in her head, reminding her that she was ordinary, that no one would want her if they knew the truth. She felt like she was trapped in a vicious cycle, unable to deal with her fears alone but just as unable to reach out for help for fear of being left and ending up alone. She opened her mouth to ask again, but was cut off by the feeling of Derek's hand on both of hers, capturing her fingers and bringing them down from her face.

"No playing with the blindfold, Mere," he scolded playfully. "Just be patient; we're almost there." True to his word, she felt them pull onto a dirt road less than a minute later, and they parked a minute after that. She waited patiently while Derek exited the car and came around to her side. She took a deep breath as he helped her out of the car, but the only scents that reached her were clean air and grass. Then Derek was leading her forward, and soon the sounds of grass under her feet were replaced by those of wood. She heard the rippling of water nearby, and felt herself begin to tense up as she realized where they were.

"Derek . . ." They stopped walking, and Derek untied the blindfold. Meredith opened her eyes, but the bright sunlight forced them closed again. After a few minutes she tried again, using one hand to shield her eyes until they adjusted, and found herself exactly where she'd expected. She and Derek were standing on the dock by the lake, the one he'd brought her to several times to swim. She knew his trailer was a few feet away, but she couldn't make herself look for it. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the water, sparkling brightly all around them. She couldn't look away; the water demanded her attention, pulling her in until she couldn't see anything else. "Why did you bring me here?" she whispered, barely able to force the words past the lump in her throat.

Derek came around in front of her, and she raised her eyes to his once the hypnotic spell of the water was broken. "Because you need it," he told her softly, cupping her face gently with one hand. "Why are you afraid of the water, Mere?"

"I . . . I'm not . . ." Meredith tried to protest, but Derek cut her off with a finger on her lips.

"It all started with the bath, didn't it?" he asked. "You kept spacing out; you said you were just tired, but you were remembering that day, weren't you? Is that what triggered your nightmares?" Meredith found herself captured anew by the pull of his blue eyes. She could see everything in their clear depths, how worried he was for her, the part of her pain that he had taken on without even understanding the cause, and most of all his overwhelming love for her. It washed over her, breaking down all her defenses, and she found herself nodding in agreement.

"It was the candles," she whispered. "They were so beautiful, but then all of a sudden, I didn't smell them anymore. All I could smell was that awful choking smell, the one that hit us as soon as we got off the ambulance. All I could see was the fire, and the smoke. And when I felt the water . . . Derek, I haven't been able to take a bath since then. I've tried, but every time I did it felt like I was drowning all over again. I can barely even take a shower; I just can't stand the feeling of water anymore." She didn't know when she'd started crying; suddenly the tears were pouring down her cheeks, almost obscuring her view of Derek's face. "I don't know how to fix this, Derek. How can I be a surgeon if I can't even scrub in? I don't . . . know what to do . . ."

Derek pulled her into his arms and held her while she cried. He didn't say a word, but he didn't have to. His physical presence calmed her and gave her strength, and soon enough her tears subsided, and she pulled back to look into his face. The look in his eyes hadn't changed from earlier, but there was calm there as well, and a fierce determination. She couldn't explain, but seeing those things caused hope to spark deep in her soul. "Take off your clothes, Mere," he said softly.

His words caught her off guard; Meredith blinked, and then blushed a deep red. "Derek, I don't – I mean, I know we like – but that isn't . . ." she stuttered, unable to form a complete sentence. Derek let her go on for a minute, then smiled and shook his head.

"Not for sex," he said gently. "I know that's not going to fix things, Mere. I just didn't want you to get your clothes wet. We're going in the water."

Meredith backed up a step involuntarily, as if putting physical distance between her and the water would change Derek's mind. "N-no, I can't," she insisted, feeling the familiar panic from her dreams gathering at the back of her mind. "Don't make me, Derek, please, I can't, don't make me . . ."

"Do you trust me, Meredith?" The question stopped her with all the force of a brick wall against her back. Derek didn't say anything else; he just let the question hang there, with all the weight of their history loaded onto it, and held out his hand to her. Meredith looked into his eyes again, and suddenly the answer was there, welling up from deep inside her with all the force of absolute truth.

"With my life," she answered quietly. She didn't take his hand; instead, without taking her eyes from his, she knelt down to untie her shoes. A smile spread across his face as he did the same. For once, there was nothing sexual about their disrobing. Once he was done, Derek slipped into the water and turned, folding his arms over the edge of the dock as he waited.

Meredith knew he was waiting for her to join him, but she found herself stalling as she carefully folded her clothes and placed them on top of her shoes. She knew she'd been truthful in her answer to Derek, but her fears were resurfacing, slowing her down as she approached the edge of the dock. "I don't think I can do this," she said softly as she reached the end.

"You're doing great, Mere," Derek assured her. "We'll take it slow, ok? Try putting your feet in first."

Taking a deep breath, Meredith sat down on the edge of the dock. Using Derek's eyes to keep her anchored, she slowly dipped her feet into the water. The images from her nightmare began to surface immediately, and her eyes closed involuntarily.

"No, keep them open!" Derek's insistent command penetrated through the fear, and Meredith forced her eyelids to obey. She looked into his eyes, holding on to the love she found there like a lifeline. "That's good; keep your eyes on me," he continued softly. "You're here with me, Mere. There's no ferry, no smoke, no fire. You're not going to drown, ok?" Lifting her right foot, he placed a gentle kiss just above her ankle. Warmth spread up her leg, banishing some of the fear, and Meredith relaxed slightly. "Want to come in a little more?" Derek asked, smiling up at her. "Come on; the water's fine."

Meredith bit her lip, considering her options. "Maybe I should just come in all the way?" she asked hesitantly. "You know, rip off the Band-Aid?"

Derek shook his head. "I think that would be too much of a shock, Mere," he told her. "You went in all at once the first time, remember? I think slowly is the way to go now." He reached up out of the water and put his hands on her waist. Meredith flinched slightly at the touch of the water, but kept her eyes on Derek. "You're doing so well, Mere," he assured her. "I'm going to help you in a little farther, ok? Just let me know when to stop."

_This is it, _Meredith said to herself. _I have to do this. _Leaning forward, she put her hands on Derek's shoulders and nodded. Lifting her slightly, he took a step back and began to lower her into the water. Her fear began to rise, but Meredith fought back, using her love and faith in Derek to beat the nightmare images away. Just before it became too much to bear, her feet touched the bottom of the lake. Confused, she looked around and discovered that they were in the shallows; she'd been so focused on Derek that she hadn't noticed them moving back behind the edge of the dock.

"I thought it would be better if you could feel the bottom," Derek said quietly, his eyes never leaving hers. "How are you doing so far?"

"I'm . . . ok," Meredith breathed, her voice barely above a whisper as she realized she was telling the truth. The water was just above her waist, and while she wasn't as comfortable as she'd once been in the water, Derek's physical presence was giving her strength, helping her overcome the fear that had plagued her since the accident. She looked out at the water, sparkling in the sunlight as it rippled quietly all around them, and suddenly it wasn't so terrible anymore. She looked back at Derek, ready to ask to go farther in, and the words stuck in her throat before she could speak them. There was something in Derek's face as he looked at her in the water, a sadness that made her heart break. "Derek, it's ok," she said, reaching up to his face. "I'm fine; you were right, I needed this. This is helping, so much. Thank you for bringing me here."

"Are you really ok with this?" Derek's voice was soft, and Meredith frowned as she heard the echoes of fear and pain underneath his words. _I've been so wrapped up in my own issues, my own fears, _she realized. _I never considered he might have some of his own. _

"I'm fine," she repeated. "But you're not, are you?" The lost look in his eyes told her she'd hit the mark. "Derek, I'm so sorry for everything that I put you through. I never meant to cause you so much pain."

"Meredith, it's all right . . ." Derek started to say, but she cut him off, waving her hands in the air.

"No, you have to know the truth. I did swim, Derek. I know you must have been wondering; I know how to swim, so why did I drown? I did swim, I did fight. But that patient knocked me into the water, and I wasn't prepared, so it was a big shock. I was tired – no surprise there, interns are always tired. I was stressed, because of my mother. And the water was so cold, like ice . . ."

". . . Like a thousand knives, stabbing right into your bones," Derek finished quietly, a haunted tone in his voice. "I know." He looked down, swallowing hard, and when he looked up again, Meredith was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "It was the little girl," he said. "The one you were taking to the aid station? I saw her, alone, and I asked her where you were. She brought me to the edge of the water, and I asked her again, and she pointed. She pointed out to the water, and my heart stopped."

Meredith couldn't breathe. No one had ever told her how she'd come out of the water; she'd assumed that one of the Coast Guard or Search and Rescue had found her. She opened her mouth to speak, but Derek laid a finger against her lips, and she felt as if they'd been sealed with glue.

"I didn't even stop to think; I just pulled off my jacket, and dove in." Derek's eyes had a faraway look in them as he relived that horrible day. The pain in them made Meredith want to scream, but she held silent and let him continue. "The cold was so intense my muscles wanted to lock right up, but I wouldn't let them. You were there, somewhere, and I had to find you. It was maybe my third or fourth trip down when I finally spotted you. I pulled you out, and you were so blue – very nearly the color of your scrubs. I wanted to pass out, but I couldn't; you needed me. So I ran for the nearest ambulance, and we headed for Seattle Grace." A lone tear broke free and ran down his cheek.

The sight of that tear broke Meredith's paralysis, and she burst into tears of her own. "I did fight, Derek, I swear I did," she sobbed. "But my mother . . . You were right. She said things. She told me I was ordinary, that I'd gone soft. She said she'd raised me to be extraordinary, and I wasn't anymore. I heard her voice in my head when I was in the water, telling me I couldn't do it, that I couldn't be what everyone wanted me to be, so what was the point in fighting? And for one second – only one, I swear – I listened, and I stopped swimming. As soon as I went under again, I realized that I was wrong, that there was a point . . . you. I wanted to keep fighting for you, but it was too late, and I was too cold to make my feet start moving again. So I drowned." She buried her face in Derek's chest and cried harder, certain that her confession would drive him away.

"Look at me, Meredith." Derek's voice was thick with emotion, but the words were steady and certain. Hesitantly, Meredith raised her eyes to meet his, afraid of what she would find there. A sheen of tears glimmered across his eyes, and underneath was sadness, shared pain – and love. She saw no anger or blame anywhere, and her heart lifted slightly, daring to hope that maybe he wasn't going to leave her after all. "I'm not going anywhere," he said firmly, as if reading her thoughts. "I spent the scariest ambulance ride of my life trying to breath for you, and then three hours waiting for you to come back to me. I had a glimpse of a life without you, and it scared me badly enough that I never want to repeat the experience, at least not by my choice. I'll always be here for you, Mere . . . but you have to let me. You have to come to me when bad things happen and not shut me out. I'm just scared that I won't be there the next time something happens, and I'll end up losing you for good."

"You'll never lose me, Derek," Meredith promised, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Not by my choice. I had a glimpse of being without you, of getting only the barest whiff of you, and it wasn't enough. You know my childhood wasn't the best, and I'm still learning how to let people help me with my problems, but I can do it . . . with your help."

Derek pulled her close, and they stood wrapped in each other's arms for several minutes. Meredith felt some more tears spill down her cheeks, but instead of being painful, they felt cleansing, like they were freeing her soul of some of the burden that had weighed it down for so long.

"That was a big step," Derek said finally. Pulling back, he smiled down at her as he wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks. "What comes next?" he asked.

"Now, I go for a swim," Meredith said firmly, forcing the words to follow the decision quickly before she could change her mind. "And you stay here."

"Are you sure about that?" Derek asked, a puzzled frown creasing his face. "It's not too much too soon?"

"I'm sure," Meredith insisted. Removing one of her hands from around his neck, she dipped it into the water, trailing lazy circles for a moment before bringing it back out. Shivers ran down her spine at the sight of the water running down her arm, but no images presented themselves. "We need this . . . both of us," she told him. "I need to trust that I won't drown every time I go into the water, and you need to trust that I'll always come back to you, no matter what happens." Derek was silent for a while, and she could see the thoughts chasing themselves across his face. Then he removed his hands from her waist and stepped back, silently conveying his agreement.

Despite her brave words, Meredith found her heart fluttering nervously as she turned toward the deeper waters of the lake. She went in slowly, pausing every few steps to let herself get used to the feeling of the water as it rose around her. When she came to the point where she was going to have to start swimming, she stopped to consider her choices. _The band-aid has to come off sometime, _she told herself. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and dove under the water. The feeling of the water closing over her head brought the terror of her nightmares rushing back full force, and the panic drove her back to the surface, gasping as she broke through to the air.

"Meredith, are you ok?" Derek called. His body was tense as he stood in the shallows by the dock, as if he was restraining himself from rushing immediately to her aid.

Meredith was gasping too hard to speak as she battled back the leftover panic from her nightmare, but she managed to wave at him, indicating she didn't need any help. Once she had calmed down somewhat, she wiped her hair out of her eyes and tried again, keeping her eyes open so that she could see the difference between the lake and the ferry disaster. The sight of the plants waving gently from the bottom of the lake helped calm her fears, and she hovered in place for a while, stroking upwards to keep herself from floating to the top. A fish swam up to her, coming almost close enough to touch before darting away, and Meredith used the amusement she felt at the sight to banish the last of her nightmares from her mind.

Derek was waiting when she finally came to the surface for air; he seemed to be leaning casually against one of the dock pylons, but she could read the tension in his shoulders. She tried to keep a straight face as she swam up to him, but a grin kept tugging at the corners of her lips. "Are you ok?" he asked, reaching out to smooth some hair back from her face.

The warmth of his touch caused Meredith to lose the battle, and a wide smile spread over her face. "Come on," she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the dock. "I'll race you!" Taking advantage as he lost his balance, she dunked him under the water. He came up with a shout, and the chase was on. It didn't last long, as they were both worn out from the emotional revelations of the day. Soon, they decided to call it a day, and Meredith waited by the dock as Derek went to retrieve the towels he'd left in the car.

"So, how bad is it now?" he asked as she pulled herself out of the water and accepted a towel.

Meredith thought it over as she worked briskly at her hair. "A six . . . maybe a five," she said finally. "I know this didn't fix everything, Derek, but it was a good start."

"It was a good start," Derek agreed. "And things will only get better from here, Mere – I promise."

_He's made promises before, _Meredith reflected as she pulled on her clothes. _Somehow, though, I really believe him this time. Maybe I really have gotten to the happy ever after part. If this is my chance to be happy, then I'm going to take it! _She followed Derek back to the car, determined to make the most of this chance she'd been given.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Hey, everybody - guess what, it's chapter 8!! I'm so sorry it took so long; I never wanted to be one of those authors that used real life as an excuse, but honestly, it's a very big, very compelling excuse. I had hoped to avoid it by having the whole story written before posting, but even that doesn't help! But it's here now, for your enjoyment. Many, many thanks go out to AriaAdagio and samsolace, for their wonderful fics, their beta help, and for restoring my optimism. _blows kisses _Thanks, chicas!!!

Disclaimer: Please. If I owned the show, there would be no new actress hired to play a love interest for McDreamy, as he already has one. Duh!!!

Testing the Water, chapter 8

A light drizzle fell over Seattle, just enough to slather a wet sheen across the streets. Residents of the city didn't even bother with umbrellas as they hurried in every direction, intent on their tasks. On the rooftop of Seattle Grace Hospital, a small group of people were gathered in one corner that contained a bench and a small flowerbox, far enough away from the helipad that any landings wouldn't bother them.

"Are we late?" Izzie gasped as she and Alex joined the group. They were breathing hard as they arrived, having run all the way from the surgical floor. From where she sat on the bench with Derek, Meredith looked up and managed a small smile for her friends, but she didn't speak. "We'd have been here sooner," Izzie apologized, "but we got pulled into an emergency appendectomy with Bailey."

"Did the patient survive? Oh, wait – of course they did; George wasn't there," Cristina quipped sarcastically from where she stood next to the bench. George opened his mouth to retort, but closed it again at a gesture from Meredith.

"Cristina," she said quietly. A look passed between the two women; some of the snarkiness disappeared from Cristina's face, and she muttered an apology to George. With everyone present, all attention was turned to Meredith, who was holding a small urn in her lap. Taking a deep breath, Meredith stood, holding the urn tightly to her. She looked around at all her friends, feeling Derek's warmth and support as he stood behind her.

"I'm glad you guys could all make it," she began softly. "I know you're working, so I'll try to keep this short. My mother didn't want a funeral; she said they were just excuses for people to feel sorry for themselves. So, she left instructions to be cremated, and said I could do what I liked with the ashes. I thought a lot about it, and I decided that since this was the place where she spent the most time, and really was the only thing she loved, she wouldn't mind spending eternity up here. But everything that's happened recently made me see that I needed to say goodbye to her, and I wanted my family here while I did it." A moment of silence fell over the group, as each intern felt the impact of Meredith's last sentence in their heart.

A soft laugh from Meredith broke the stillness. She gazed down at the urn in her arms, a look of amazement on her face. "It's absolutely ridiculous," she said, looking up at Derek. "I've known this was coming for years, ever since she told me about her diagnosis. You'd think I would have planned this, what to say to her, but I've got nothing. What do I say to her?"

"Tell her the truth." To everyone's surprise, the answer came from Alex. He met Meredith's eyes squarely, and she could see a reflection of her own pain there, something that told her he was speaking from experience. "Tell her everything you've always wanted to tell her; whether she can hear you or not, this is your chance to get everything off your chest."

Meredith let Alex's words sink into her heart, treasuring the rare insight into his life. Alex didn't normally speak much about his past, so when he did give a glimpse into himself, she took it seriously. Suddenly, as if his words had been a key, words began to float up from deep inside her. They were all the things she'd wanted to say to her mother, everything she'd never said when bad things happened, because her mother was never around to hear them anyway. "This is my family, Mom," she started, her gaze fixed on the urn. "My _family._ Do you know how amazing it is, that I even have one? I had one before, when I was little, but you destroyed that one. You pushed my father away with your affair, and I don't know if I'll ever get him back. You pushed me away, ignored me in favor of your career. Why do you think I acted out so much as a teenager? What do you think the black clothes and the pink hair were for? I just wanted your attention, even if it was just to yell at me. At least that would have told me that you loved me. But you never even did that. You never even noticed anything I did. You didn't care, just as long as I stayed out of your way, so you could go and do all those amazing things you did. You said you raised me to be extraordinary, that I was a force of nature – but you didn't raise me at all! You hired nannies; how is that raising me? Once I was old enough, you basically left me to raise myself. So, where did you get off, telling me that I'm not extraordinary? How would you know? You weren't there! The fact that I'm here at all is pretty damn extraordinary!"

Meredith stopped for a moment; her chest was heaving, and she realized that she'd been shouting. She took a deep breath to calm herself, and continued on, quietly. "I went to Dartmouth, Mom, and I did great there. This is one of the best intern programs in the entire country, and I made it in. And I'm going to make it through. I'm going to be a surgeon, Mom, and I'm going to be great. Not just because I'm your daughter, but _because I can do it._ And I have a wonderful man beside me, who really loves me. I almost lost him, so many times, but he's still here, and we're going to make it. That's extraordinary, too; you damaged me so badly I didn't think I could have a real relationship with anyone. But I have Derek, and I have my family, and I'm going to be all right. And that's what hurts the most – that you never saw that in me, and you'll never have the chance to see what I'll become."

And with that, it was over. There were no more words to be said, and Meredith felt a sense of freedom she'd never felt before. She felt light, like she could float away at any moment. They all stood in silence for a minute, and then Derek moved. Reaching down to the bench beside them, he picked up a small spade and handed it to her.

Meredith turned and knelt next to the flowerbed that sat just beside the ledge. Opening the urn, she gently shook out the ashes within, and used the spade to work them into the damp soil. She kept working, turning the dirt over and over with the spade, until the ashes had been completely worked in. There were tears in everyone's eyes when she stood and turned back to them, and looking at their blurry faces, Meredith realized that she was crying as well. Izzie was the first to move, and suddenly Meredith found herself in the midst of a group hug, totally engulfed by her family. Rather than suffocate her as it once would have, the embrace surrounded her, grounding and uplifting all at the same time. She gave herself over to the feeling, letting it soak into her soul; she never wanted to forget the love of her family ever again.

The moment was broken in true intern fashion – by the sound of pagers going off. George and Alex excused themselves and headed back downstairs, after promising to stop by the house later for pizza and movies. Derek excused himself a minute later, saying he had some patients to check on. Meredith suspected that there really were no patients, but she appreciated his giving her some time with Izzie and Cristina. The three of them leaned against the ledge, looking out over the city and talking quietly about little things, patients that had come through and interesting surgeries that had been done.

"I want to thank both of you," Meredith said as the flow of words slowed. She turned away from the view to face Izzie and Cristina, a smile flitting across her face. "I couldn't have made it through this without your support. I want both of you to know how much I appreciate it."

"You're my person, Mere," Cristina said simply. She looked like she wanted to say more, but the beeping of her pager cut her off. She settled for squeezing Meredith's hand one more time before hurrying off. Meredith looked back at Izzie, who had gone back to staring out at the city, a light flush coloring her cheeks.

"I meant what I said, Izzie," Meredith said. Stepping away from the ledge, she tugged Izzie down onto the bench with her. "I know you think that Cristina and I shut you out sometimes, but you helped me so much, even more than she did. You knew what I needed, and you stayed with me and made me laugh, and I love you for it."

"You're family," Izzie said softly, glancing briefly at the flowerbed. "You were there for me, after Denny, and I couldn't do anything else but be there for you when you needed me."

"Because that's what family does," Meredith agreed. "You and Cristina are my sisters, Alex and George are my brothers. We're all family, and I'm so glad you've all been there to help me through this." Reaching out, she pulled Izzie into a hug, and felt the last wisps of her anger toward her mother dissolve into the mist that still fell over Seattle.

"So, when do you come back to work?" Izzie asked as they separated. She brushed at some leftover tears in her eyes, and Meredith laughed as she found some in her own.

"Not for another week," Meredith said after pausing to calculate in her head. "God, it's hard to believe; so much has happened this week, it feels like so much more time has passed. I'm going to be so far behind . . ."

"We'll help you catch up," Izzie assured her. "That's what family's for, right?" Standing up, she extended her hand. "Come on – let's go find McDreamy and tell him he can stop hiding in his office worrying about you." She smiled at Meredith as the two girls headed for the stairs. "You're lucky to have him, you know."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed as a smile of her own spread across her face. "I know."

Ok, please review; reviews are love!!!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Wow, I posted this chapter, and then realized I forgot the important stuff!!! Sorry. Here we go! Ok, so this is the last chapter. I want to thank everyone who's reviewed this story; you really made me feel good. I was very nervous about writing in this show; I really wanted to do the characters justice, and your positive encouragement and support made all the difference. I want to thank my betas one last time - samsolace and AriaAdagio. Without you guys, this fic would have been nowhere near as good. I know I've said that before, but it really is true. Much love, chicas!!! Once again, thank you to everyone who reviewed!!!

Disclaimer: If I owned the show, this would have followed the ferry arc instead of what we got. 'Nuff said.

Testing the Water: Epilogue

Derek pulled his scrub cap off as he exited the scrub room and ran a hand through his hair. He was exhausted; today had apparently been the day for people to go out and get traumatic brain injuries, and he'd been going from surgery to surgery for hours. Checking the time, he groaned. "One in the morning? Not possible . . ."

"Burning the midnight oil, Shep?" Derek turned to see Mark coming up behind him, his trademark smirk covering his face.

"Not by choice," Derek said, making an effort to keep his tone neutral.

He was trying to fix things with Mark; the man was an ass who'd slept with his wife, but Derek knew that things had been rocky with Addison well before that event. Mark had also been there for him when Meredith had drowned; he hadn't tried to talk at all, he'd just sat there with him in the hallway, lending Derek support. It was hard for Derek to admit it, but he missed his best friend, his brother, and so he was working on letting Mark back in his life.

"Everyone just had to go out and bash their heads on something," Derek continued, as he reached the nurses station and leaned heavily on it. "I've been here almost twenty-four hours; I need to get home, in case Meredith needs me."

Mark stopped next to him at the station, managing to wink suggestively at one of the nurses before a frown settled over his face. "I thought she was doing better?" he asked, swiping a hand down his face. "I know you guys had that memorial thing for her mom earlier this week. I thought that helped."

"It did, and she's been so much better since then," Derek admitted. "She's had a few nightmares, though. They aren't as bad as they were before, but they're still not fun. Usually she can wake herself up, and we talk through them. I wanted to be home early tonight, since she's starting back on Monday, but apparently Fridays are good days to go out and try to kill yourself."

Signing off on the last bit of paperwork, he headed for the locker room. Mark followed along, and the two of them talked quietly about their day as they changed into street clothes and walked to the elevator.

"Give Meredith my best," Mark said as they exited the hospital doors. "She and I have a lot in common, you know."

Derek stopped, casting a skeptical glance at his friend. "Really?" he asked, folding his arms over his chest. "Somehow, I can't see it."

"Think about it, Shep," Mark argued. "We both had messed up childhoods and absent parents. We were used to people disappointing and abandoning us – but then we met you."

"And I fixed you?" Derek shook his head. "You make it sound like you were strays I took in off the street."

"No, Derek. You didn't fix us . . . You just . . . Never mind." Mark faced Derek squarely, his face going uncharacteristically red.

Derek smiled as he listened, both to the words Mark was fumbling through and the ones underneath, the real feelings that Mark couldn't express.

"What are you smiling at?" The redness was fading from Mark's face as he shifted, peering suspiciously at Derek.

"Meredith fixed me, when I needed it," Derek said softly, his mind straying back to his first meeting with the tiny blond who'd captured his heart. "I was drowning when I came here, and she saved me."

"You're lucky to have each other, then," Mark told him. Grinning, he fished in his pockets, looking for his keys. "Well, that takes care of my good deed for the year. I'm off; you kids have fun, ok?"

"Thanks, Mark," Derek said, a smile tugging at his lips. Mark looked startled for a minute, then nodded and headed for his car.

Derek was silent as he got into his car and drove home. Mark's words resonated through his mind, healing a bit more of the hurt that still lingered from his betrayal. Derek suspected that the ache would never fully go away, but he was moving on, working on getting his brother back, and it felt good. That was Meredith's influence, he knew. She had always been open to Mark. Maybe it was because of how charming he'd been when they'd first met, before she knew who he was. Or maybe it had to do with how similar they were. Mark had been right in that, at least. He and Meredith had suffered similar hurts in their pasts, and perhaps Meredith had recognized that similarity. Derek knew that Meredith really had saved him; she'd saved him enough to try again with Addison, and now she'd saved him enough to fix things with Mark. Derek wondered, once again, what he'd done to deserve such a loving and incredibly forgiving woman.

All the lights were off when he pulled into the driveway of Meredith's house. She'd mentioned once never being able to think of it as her own home, always as her mother's house, but since he didn't have the memories that she did, to him it would always be hers. He took off his shoes as soon as he entered the foyer, not wanting to wake any of the other occupants. Meredith could sleep through just about anything, he knew, including her own snoring, but he didn't know about Izzie or George. Easing open the door, he was halfway to the bed when he realized that it was empty. The sheets were neatly turned down, a direct contrast to the rumpled mess they'd left it in that morning, but the sleeping form of his girlfriend that he'd expected to find in them was definitely absent.

Frowning, he checked his phone. There were no new voice or text messages, so Meredith should have been home. She'd promised to be more open and to communicate with him more, and so if she was planning to go to Joe's with the other interns or just needed some time to herself, she usually let him know. He was about to head back downstairs to see if she'd fallen asleep on the couch waiting for him, when he heard a sound coming from the bathroom. Moving toward the doorway, he pressed down firmly on the memories that tried to surface, of the last time he'd found Meredith in the bathroom . . .

The sight that greeted him as he stepped into the bathroom took his breath away. Candles surrounded the tub, filling the air with the scent of lavender. Bubbles covered the surface of the water that rippled gently in the tub, creating the noise that had caught his attention from the bedroom. And in the middle of it all was the love of his life, her hair piled on top of her head with a few tendrils plastered to the back of her neck. She grinned at him, conveying both amusement and desire all at once, as she extended a hand to him. "Hey," she purred, her voice low and throaty. "Welcome home."

Derek opened his mouth to speak, but his voice had deserted him. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Isn't it a bit late for a bath?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice from cracking like an adolescent's.

Meredith shrugged, her shoulders rising out of the bubbles briefly before being hidden once more. "I had a nightmare, and I woke up," she said, her voice soft and hesitant. "I couldn't go back to sleep, not without talking to you about it. I almost called you, but I didn't want to do it over the phone. I wanted you here, to listen and to hold me while I fell asleep again. I called the hospital, and they said you'd just left, so I thought maybe a bath would help relax me while I waited."

A strange thing happened to Derek in that instant. He'd always known that he'd been in love with Meredith for a long time, since the first minute he'd laid eyes on her in Joe's. He hadn't thought he could ever love her more than when she'd finally taken him back, but now he knew he'd been wrong. Listening to her admit that she'd waited for him, that she trusted him enough to help her deal with her nightmares and soothe her back to sleep, filled his heart in a way he'd never thought possible. "I'm so proud of you," was all he could manage, a smile slowly creeping onto his face.

"For what?" Meredith asked with a puzzled frown.

Derek shrugged, waving a hand at the whole bath scene spread out in front of him. "You're taking a bath," he said simply.

Meredith caught his meaning, both in the words he said and the ones he didn't say, and blushed. "Would you like to join me?" she asked, lifting one hand out of the water and extending it toward him.

Derek wasted no time in shedding his clothes. Meredith scooted forward in the tub, and he climbed in behind her, wrapping his arms around her tightly as she curled into his body. A surge of desire shot through his body, begging him to kiss her, to make love to her, but he pushed it down. That could come later, after they'd dealt with her dream. "Tell me about the nightmare," he said once they were both comfortable. Closing his eyes, he let Meredith's soft voice wash over him, feeling a sense of peace he hadn't felt in years. _She's going to be ok, _he realized. _We both are._


End file.
